June 28

Back to the days of headaches, exhausted, but can't get a wink of sleep.

I always thought my depression was a seasonal thing, usually occurring in the Winter. I never thought it would hit me this hard during the Summer. I should be out. I should be laughing. I should have smile spread from ear to ear. I should be with my best friend.

My best friend is the thing I'm missing. I crossed the line. I told you how I felt. I crossed that fucking line that nobody ever dares to cross. And look where it's taken us.

I want to take it back, so fucking bad.

I have exactly two months until I will be moving in at Edinboro. That's so far away from now. I don't know how I'm gonna make it especially if this continues on.

Every night I've laid in bed just to cry myself to sleep again.

I leave for vacation on Friday. I'm crossing my fingers it will be a good distraction.

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do

My heart just skipped a beat and I got butterflies.

I always hope its you.

Friday, June 25

You're missing out on someone that would give you the world.
Someone that WANTS to give you the world.
Someone that wants to SHOW you the world.
This isn't just some stupid little crush I'm hiding from you.
I told you how I feel. How I've felt for awhile.
I know you're scared. You don't think I was or am too?
I'm fucking terrified.
But for love, I'd do anything. Especially since that love is for you.

I don't want us to run out of time.
I don't want to go to college and meet new people.
You'll just be in the back of my mind anyhow.
You're the only person I could see myself with for a long time.
And we all know I do not think like that.

I don't know what else to do.
I'm at the point where I pretty much have to let you come to me.
Show me you care. Show me, just fucking show me.
I know its hard for you.

I just want to talk to you RIGHT now about it but I want you to come to me.
I feel like I've done enough. This is supposed to be a two person deal,
but maybe you don't know that. I want to know what you're thinking.

Do you miss me too right now? Am I always in the back of your mind?

I've been crying almost almost every night about all of this.
Should I just try one more time?
Will it really be just one. more. time?
Or will it bring on more?

I want you to know its okay to tell me anything. It's just me.

I don't know what else to tell you.

Starting fresh.

I decided I needed to start writing again.
I deleted all my old posts, they were just...bad.

For those of you who are new to my writing, be prepared. You're going to read things you never thought you would hear come from me. Get ready to really see what I have to say. I don't hold back on this thing. I do want more people to read this or at least a selected few because you deserve to. Sometimes this is just easier for me.

This is my journal.