August 24, 2010

I have two days left in Harrisburg. Do you even remember I'm leaving? Do you just not want to admit it?

I want you to come around...tell me how you feel. If you just said you love me back I'd drop everything for you. But if you're not gonna come around before I leave on Friday...you're out of the picture.

August 18, 2010

Well, we're getting down to the last week before I leave for school.
We've made no progress...well no progress towards romantic relationship.
We can hangout just like old times now which I'm fine with. I don't think of you like I used to or as much as I used to. But you're still there in the back of my mind, calling my name.

I want to move on but I can't see myself with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. Maybe I should just let you go for now and you'll come back in my life when I need you.

I hope you realize what you missed out on when I'm gone.

August 4, 2010

Every morning I wake up wanting to just go back to sleep. Never feeling like I got a good nights rest. Every night I sleep for a few hours. Get up. Feel wide awake. Stay up for half an hour. Then go back to sleep for a few more hours.

Lagging around all day, feeling okay and eventually feeling tired in the afternoon.

But by 'bedtime' I'm wide awake once again. And then the sadness and loneliness comes in to play. And so begins another night of going to bed late, roaming around on Tumblr, tweeting lyrics to love songs that make me think of you.

Ha, 'thinking of you'. I haven't done much of it lately. You pop into my mind every now and then throughout the day now because I care about you. You're a brother to me.

For some reason I'm moving on.

I'm moving on but I still can't see myself with anyone else. Hell, I don't WANT to be with anyone else. I know I still love you. Somewhere inside of me, I do. I know somewhere inside of you, you love me too. But now I realize that WE, we as in your personality and mine, could not withhold a relationship with me being in college and you being in your senior year.

For now I think it's what is best. But I still want to talk to you. We STILL haven't fucking talked about what we need to. I know as soon as I go to college, I'll be missing you so much. And maybe you too. But how would I know? You don't tell me anything.

July 31, 2010

Last night felt so natural. Just like old times. I wonder why this time I didn't get upset. Didn't get upset that it wasn't just you and me. Of course I wish it was that way most of the time but for some reason I was so calm.

I feel like I may be moving on. I think it's time. I've wanted too long and now I can see I'm okay with how I'm feeling.

Not one ounce of sadness. It feels weird but I can't complain.

There's still something there but it's all on you know.

As long as you're still in my life, I don't care what your decision is.

"Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation...I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to...Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."

- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

July 29, 2010

Every night I go to bed thinking today was just the same.
Every morning I wake and tell myself its a new day.
Maybe it will be different.
Maybe you'll come around.

You were the one that was supposed to help me move on.
Now I just need someone to help me move on from you.

I'm days away from just letting it go.
A person can only do so much.
I can't keep letting myself get hurt like this.

July 27, 2010

I'm worried about going to college and being surrounded by drugs and alcohol.
I know how I get when I'm depressed. I just need an escape and then along with being away from home? I can just tell it's gonna be BAD.

I miss being edge. I miss going to shows every weekend to distract me. I miss that positive atmosphere but now I just feel surrounded by drugs and alcohol. There's nothing else to do around here anymore.

All I have is words, music, and my bed. But these are starting to get old to me.

Winter is the worst. I'm so scared. I hate the thoughts I have during those lows. I want to be positive but its just always the same. Every. Single. Year.

There's very few things that bring me up from that low and that's smiling. There's one thing that always makes me smile. Just guess.

June 26, 2010

I should know better by now. If I'm hurting this bad already, it can't be good in the end. If something doesn't change soon I'm walking out.

July 21, 2010

You stopping by tonight, out of nowhere, proves sooososo much to me.
That is exactly what I've been waiting for. As soon as I found out you were here, my heart jumped out of my chest. This is what you do to me. We just smiled at each other. How could you ignore that feeling whenever we lock eyes? Tonight was exactly like old times.

You told me you missed me. I know you wanted to say so much more but I'm gonna give you time. We're gonna hangout, just you and me, and then maybe we can finally talk. We both know we wanted to talk about it.

I love you and miss you terribly.

June 28

Back to the days of headaches, exhausted, but can't get a wink of sleep.

I always thought my depression was a seasonal thing, usually occurring in the Winter. I never thought it would hit me this hard during the Summer. I should be out. I should be laughing. I should have smile spread from ear to ear. I should be with my best friend.

My best friend is the thing I'm missing. I crossed the line. I told you how I felt. I crossed that fucking line that nobody ever dares to cross. And look where it's taken us.

I want to take it back, so fucking bad.

I have exactly two months until I will be moving in at Edinboro. That's so far away from now. I don't know how I'm gonna make it especially if this continues on.

Every night I've laid in bed just to cry myself to sleep again.

I leave for vacation on Friday. I'm crossing my fingers it will be a good distraction.